June 28, 2025
Demons fighting inside wanna deliver me in flames
testicles not as sore today, lower back and knees still feel like shit. i've been thinkin all day about what kind of support my city will have for my music, not had much if any support for anything else i've done. i never fit in. dont care about football so was shunned for that, when i embraced my love for metal music and culture i was shunned for that. my accent is quite soft, shunned for that. cunts think i went to glasgow uni and also think i wasnt raised in glasgow. a didny go to school much, especially as a kid. i had an american accent till i was 9. if i socialised more i'd have a stronger accent, slangs still there but its odd in this city that people will judge you for yer accent. 34 years old, experienced it many times. what if i wore a rangers or celtic t shirt in a video? i'd have a huge amount of support. but i am lesser than in this city. always fuckin have been. and its miserable, i am a son of glasgow fs. am a son of ma mum, no dad in sight. met him in 2019 by chance outside of spar. first time we ever spoke, asked him why he ghosted a text when i got his number. he said he was trying to sort things out with his kids. he said i wouldnt want him in ma life anyway cause hes a 'loser'. mate, ad rather a loser than a fuckin ghost. ma mums pal was friends with him and his lot back in the day. wasn't long after i was born, the friend asked him if he was the dad, he replied something along the lines of 'am no giving any money tae it' fucking prick. deed tae me. reached out to my half brother and sister, obviously he kept my existance secret to them. he said only he found out i existed in 2015/6 lmao. bullshit. ma mum had a conversation with him when she told him she was pregant. he asked 'what are you gonna do?' she said 'i dont know' and that was it, he disappeared from the scheme not long after i was born. ye shag a woman whos lost two children to menangitis and ye know shes struggling, then when she gives birth to yer son ye disappear. we didny want yer fucking money mate, we wanted yer support. maybe if ye were around i wouldnt have had such a fucking brutal life as a child. someone to help take me to school, surgery appointments, a place with warm water, a way to wash ma clothes. ye didnt need to be there 24/7 man, just pop in like a special guest character every now and then. whatever man, btw his other son (my half brother) is a fucking sweetheart btw and i wish him and my half sister the best, i truly hope all their dreams come true. btw am sittin here saying ma baws urny sore anymore. now they're hurtin man lmao. the new boilers loud as fuck man. 3:14am, i spoke way too soon about ma baws being not as sore, am in a decent bit of pain here, right teste, lower back and my right knee especially are fuckin me up. gotta write some more stuff for seeds then most likely pass out on the chair, backs too fucked to sleep in bed tonight, i gotta be upright. brb working on seeds 3:55am, added some more stuff to Seeds, ended up scrubbin it. was decent i guess but it wasnt relating to the message of the song. am in a lot of pain right now, wahwah ano but this is ma void. no one else is here but me. 4 more days then i can take some painkillers. av been writing every night now since the 28th december 24, and pretty much all of those nights ive been tired. i wonder what would happen if i done this shit with full energy.
ouch