June 27, 2025
teacher said am at the top eh list eh the dumb shits/a canny concentrate or even count tae ten so fuck this
the air is thick, is this the new boiler doing its thing? this testicle infection is makin me more miserable than usual. the right ones hanging weird, hope hes okay :) constipation and diarrhea, its a fantastic mash up. the more am on social media, the more miserable i get. lately people are making animations and edits using ai, and its obvious. but people are in the comments like 'epic edit bro' and the mfers who post that shit have the nerve to reply 'thanks man!'. mate, ye put no effort into yer shit, yer works soulless, but these cunts dont care. people just wanna make themselves look good, no matter the cost. posin with yer dying relative, holdin their hand, fuck off. so a just walked the dug, its 1:30am and its 18 degrees lol, so the boilers no to blame about the thickness in the air. 2:16, four bars tonight, i like this 'Am obsessive n compulsive and ma days are rituals/it's depressin and insulting to still think ma fates predictable' ye wiper yer face 4 times and suddenly the bad shit ye felt was gonnie happen, just magically disappears! magical thinkin innit. it sounds quite lovely doesn't it? 'magical thinking'. it's sadly the opposite. it's weird. i hate typing the shit that goes on in ma head with these intrusive thoughts, they become more real when i type/say it for some reason. so i typically dont say what goes on. but since this is ma Void i can make an exception, shit, am miserable and in pain anyways. sometimes i get this really brutal visual image complete with hq sound of me having my teeth on a curb, i can feel the scraping of the teeth on the concrete, the sounds of my screams are so loud it's heard by my neighbours that have long since moved. it's relatively light compared to some of the other heavy hitters i've had in my life. I've had horrible ocd since i can remember. In primary 2 i remember instrusive thoughts of my class mates covered in blood. the ones i liked and the ones i hated, the teacher however was always clean. in primary 5 i was finally getting used to the 4 times table, everyone else was miles ahead, 9x n shit. the teacher used to make us stand infront of the class and do a routine of multiplying numbers. every single time i froze, a just couldnt concentrate at all, i knew 4x2, it was 9! but i'd just be overwhelmed with thoughts, my crush kissing the guy i hate, the kids laughing at me even though in reality they couldn't care less, am having images of them being hurt in ways i didnt even know existed, spitting on my collar and sniffing everytime those thoughts arrive, thinking that by sniffin n spittin, they'd be safe. no on knew i existed, had no friends or happiness. but i still spent years of my life tackling a fate you didn't know was coming to you.
exposure and response